Emotionally Toxic Relationships Can Take More Than Months To Heal From


For those who know my writing style, this is most definitely so out of the norm for me. Instead of being so structured and writing formally I decided to expand on the emotional aspect of what Inside The Girls Room is all about— just a  tad bit more.

To all of my ladies and also fellas who may be reading, understand I’m a bit selfish with my emotions and although my friends know me as an open book, sharing this with the world is a bit much. However writing seems to be a tool I use to get those emotions up and in the air.

I normally write blog posts on current events, stories dealing with women’s rights, controversy, modern social problems, while promoting positivity and also giving publicity to  new and old faces that have been overshadowed by mainstream media, stories on branching entrepreneurs, other stars in media, with a host of other things that are relatable to women of all ethnicities and backgrounds.  That may have been a mouth full to swallow as well as a bit of a run on sentence. Hopefully none of my old english teachers are reading this. But you get the point!

After reading TV Host and  Media Personality Bianca Bee’s blog posts on past relationships  entitled ‘20 & Cutting People Off For Good’, ‘20 & Quit Letting People Hold You Back, Move On! and 20 & The Case of The Ex,   I could no longer keep quiet and remain fearful of what an ex, old flame or fling may think on this subject matter.  I can’t expect to gather a wide audience of women to share their personal stories on life, wisdom, and relationships, if I can’t even be real with my audience.

For those who don’t know  Bianca Bee, she is  a young 21  year old woman  working in media on the west coast in LA.

(see interview on Inside The Girls Room : http://insidethegirlsroom.com/2015/02/23/its-the-buzz-with-upcoming-tv-personality-and-host-bianca-bee/ )

Bianca has a segment on her site biancabee.com where she shares advice on life and things she has personally experienced in what is known as The 20s Chronicles.

I couldn’t resist in sharing with all of the readers on Inside The Girls Room bits and pieces of the blog posts with her permission of course ,  So here it goes.

“Is it ever just that one person that you can’t let go? They just consistently keep coming in and out of your life and you simply just can resist” Bianca goes on to write “ I know it’s extremely difficult for you to let someone go because you love and care for him or her, but you honestly can’t change a grown person. I’m realizing that more & more. Once again you CAN NOT change a grown person. So stop it!”

After reading this, I realized that I’ve been holding on to people in my heart that did not  want to be kept by me. Men and women equally. No,  I’m not a bisexual, but I have definitely lost friendships with other women that I treasured and could not understand why we were no longer friends. One of those friendships happened to be almost a 20 year friendship, but our paths in life and opinions just couldn’t grasp and understand the fact that we were both different.

I was also in and out of toxic friendships and relationships with men that were unsatisfying to my emotional well being because I could never get these men to commit. It’s weird because they would always bounce in and out of relationships with other women but continued to keep me around and place me on a shelf.  Yes I let this happen!

One of these relationships were for 8 years while the other lasted for 5 years.

Let’s talk about bits of the 8 year situation. Gosh, ladies that was my first love! I just could not get enough, no matter what. It was definitely an attachment. And it wasn’t just on my end either, we both could never stop dealing with each other. I met him at 14 and he was 17 at the time. My parents of course thought he was way too old but you all will get to hear about that in another post. Can’t give you everything too soon!

Anyways, recently we cut ties. Emotionally he hasn’t been there for me within the past two years but I kept holding on because even if my 5 year situation with a guy I met from college wasn’t going right, I could still run back to my first love from high school!  Well at least that’s what I thought. See how unhealthy that is!

It got to a point this past year where I still was in love with my first love but I couldn’t recognize him as the teenage boy I had fell in love with. Life happened and because we both have done harmful and damaging things towards each other, that seventeen year old boy I knew was distancing himself away from me emotionally. I understood he was working on his business and I always wanted to be apart of that from the moment he shared it with me. I even held on to unfulfilled promises because I believed him! I never questioned his plans or dreams, I never had to. In no way am I saying that I was quite the angel because by all means I was not.

Eventually he told me everything was just about sex with us and it has been that way for the past two years. I cried so hard because he and I have gone through so much with each other before , but he’s never hurt my feelings out of spite with words so harsh like that. Oh and yes ladies, he said he didn’t love me anymore and that he had completely detached himself from me.

Of course I still tried to make it work and went back to dibble and dab because that was all mines! I mean I lost my virginity to this man, it couldn’t just be all about sex right? He had to still love me?

Well nope actions speak louder than words and I mean he did have like 5 girlfriends  or more during me and after so how was that love?

The 5 year situation was enough to make any woman crazy, it was physically and psychologically draining. Damaged property got involved, children were born, girlfriends and different women kept popping into scenes, the lies were unbearable, humiliating pictures of our sex life went viral, the police were involved, friends and well the whole entire university campus at one point ( Ok I’m exaggerating with the last part, but there were a lot of people involved in this crazy situation) And yet I still loved this guy and would have done anything for him.

I looked at our relationship as crazy but fun. That was just the kind of relationship we had. Believe it or not I looked at him as a friend. We would get into really heated arguments about his EFF UPS and then I would always take him back. Yes just like my first love, I  really truly cared about this guy too, regardless of what outsiders had to say. But we weren’t good for each other.

A woman can motivate a man to be all he can be but until that man wants to make a change and live life for himself, it’s not going to matter. Every man has potential and so does every woman. The choice relies on that man or woman to make a change in their life. People can’t fix people, it’s a choice that a person has to make for themselves to want to do better. And that was just something I could not do. So I looked at both of these situations as failure. As a woman I put so  much added pressure on me not being able to get a man to change. It’s hard enough for me to change some of my ways.  I hated myself internally because I could not get a man to COMMIT . Until I began to look in the mirror and realized how fierce, bold, sweet, and nice I am.

I would cry myself to sleep every night. I want to cry now just thinking about it, BUT I’m in a great place learning to heal. There were times that I would stay up all night just to get a phone call saying come over let’s cuddle or let’s chill. I think I screwed myself over with those high expectations. I wanted so badly to be both of their girlfriends.

It still feels so unreal that I may really be letting go of my first. To me it wasn’t just sex. I had built a friendship with this person for 8 years and sometimes I wonder if it was all genuine.

Sometimes I still find myself picking with the scabs of the turmoil that has happened. When you give so much of yourself to someone, there’s a part of you that you never get back. So you go through a period of self rediscovery. I’m enjoying this part of my life and excited to see how strong I get from encountering what I encountered.

After reading Bianca’s statement,  “ You can’t consistently keep letting people come in and out of your life. You can’t keep letting people treat you the same way and aren’t improving to make things better,”  I realized I have been in some crazy on and off again situations. People are not meant to turn on and off their emotions. We can learn how to control our reactions to our emotions but your feelings are not made to be played and taunted with. It’s solely up to the individual to take their power back and treasure that energy. Your feelings are sacred and if you are not healthy emotionally you won’t be good for yourself or anyone else.”

Women we have to take ownership of our own empowerment. Don’t give so much of yourself to a man where you lose all of you! You are worth more than what any claims you to be! Treasure your heart , it deserves real love and affection!

I’m only 23 but being in those relationships made it seem like I had 5 kids, been divorced three times and overall were just emotionally draining. No one was getting what they wanted. The men wanted me at bay only when they needed me. And I wanted emotional stability.  It almost  felt as if I was just a toy car and every now and then instead of driving in their beamer they wanted to pull out their 1969 camaro. Not that I’m comparing myself to a car because my value is worth way more and I’m definitely worth more than money, jewelry, clothes, or cars combined, but that was the sick reality of the toxicness I was in with these men.

As I read deeper into Bianca Bee’s post she shared how she had dated a young man on and off for the past two and a half years. Him and her kept having an on and off ‘situationship’.

Like all women when a man needs space, we give him that. We allow them to feed us whatever bs they want to feed us until they come back around again. Because they always come back right.

But what happens when one day, you really need that person and they aren’t there for you how you have always been there for them. They stop answering your calls, place you on block, and treat you as if you are truly an inconvenience or too much for them to handle.

“ If a person doesn’t truly make you happy and think that it’s okay to keep coming in and out of our life that fully means that they don’t respect you,” says Bianca. And you know what I truly do believe that.  Why is it a woman has to respect a man’s space, yet he can toy with her heart?’

This is not to paint out all men or any of the men mentioned in this post as being ‘bad men’. They aren’t ! Just as I’m learning, so are they. I’m working on forgiving them both. Remember forgiveness is a process so I’m not all the way there but I can definitely talk about this situation and many other experiences in my life without getting angry!

Ask yourself is a toxic relationship worth your true happiness? Is it worth your heart and emotions? And also ask yourself are you in love with that person or are you just used to the situation and being comfortable?

For more information on Bianca Bee’s 20 Chronicles and other upcoming events and interviews she will have on her show check out biancabee.com


20 & Quit Letting People Hold You Back, Move On!

20 & Cutting People Off For Good’

Photo of Bre Nicole J by : David Pauley

Email pauleyart9@yahoo.com

IG : @N0_Parking


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