By Bre Nicole J
Many of us have had them and are still pursuing these rather complicated situationships! Sometimes it all starts off so innocently! You’ve been hanging out with this guy or girl who has great conversation, the both of you click , hang out together, go out for drinks and enjoy one another’s company. In fact you all start spending more and more time with one another and develop a great friendship. Then all of a sudden it happens!
As defined by Hughes and Mongeau, 2003, a friends with benefits relationship is the psychological intimacy of a friendship with the sexual intimacy of a romantic relationship without being labeled in an actual relationship.
The number one rule of having a FWB is no expectations , no disappointments. But shouldn’t we all have expectations in the friendships we develop with other people? Without setting our personal expectations of how we want to be treated we are ultimately saying “I really don’t care how you treat me or what you do.”
So does anyone other than myself find a friends with benefits relationship a complete gimmick at times?
While listening to Stop The Love You Save by the Jackson 5 and internalizing my own experiences with having more than one FWB in the past, I thought this topic would be appropriate for many young women and young men in the world today.
I have settled for the FWB title out of fear of losing the ‘relationship’ I had developed with the men I had learned to love and care for. But the question is did these men really care for me? Do they still care for me?
Truth is, I was settling for only half of a man. A very small portion by settling for non commitment and settling for many things in the FWB relationship I was not ok with.
In retrospect I was lowering my standards in order to maintain what I thought I might be gaining if I stayed with these men.
I also had a hard time sticking to my boundaries and when I finally set them , it was way too late in the game.
It’s important to understand that you hold the power in setting boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate early on in any relationship! Whether it be a friendship, family relationship, or significant other relationship, set your personal boundaries !
If two people decide that they want to be friends with benefits, it is important that they are both on the same page with their relationship. Clearly communicate what you would like the outcome to be!
Choosing to be a FWB with someone should be a decision made by both parties, not just one active participant. If one person is for the FWB relationship and the other is not, things have already become more than complicated. When there is not clear communication on the foundation of the relationship confusion takes root.
Some people use the friends with benefits title out of fear of commitment.
Sometimes I think men assume that once they give that woman the title of being his woman, she will try to control him. What I’ve learned in my young 24 years of life is that you cannot control another human being, you can only control yourself and your intentions.
If a FWB relationship is not for you, it is ok to back out of it and not pursue it. FWB situations can sometimes be very destructive causing one person to be emotionally involved and causing the other person to stop their emotions from forming and involving. This is damaging to both parties!
You can’t help who you form feelings for! Especially if you’re always around that person. Society is teaching us not to feel, not to have emotions, use people for what they have and then be done with them.
In any relationship it is important that your intentions are pure and not formed by a personal gain in order to misuse or mistreat someone.
If you’re not emotionally involved with someone stop leading them on! Let them be and move on in creating a healthy relationship with yourself and then eventually with someone else.
I read a quote that said” Real life doesn’t always turn out like the movies” ! Sometimes in pursuing these FWB relationships you get more than what you bargained for and end up losing a great friend.Remember in a FWB situation more times than none, someone always gets hurt!
How do you feel about being friends with benefits with someone?